The topic of domestic violence raises a panoply of issues and concerns in our society. An issue frequently raised in this context concerns the victim and her failure to leave the abusive relationship. Quite often, there is a tendency to blame the victim who remains in a violent relationship for her continued abuse. A common mistake made in attempting to understand the nature of domestic violence is the assumption that if a battered woman really wanted to leave she could. In fact, there are a myriad of obstacles which can prevent battered women from leaving.

          Studies reveal that many obstacles exist which prevent a victim from fleeing an abusive relationship. Many of the obstacles are put in place by the abuser in order to sustain the abusive relationship. These obstacles include lack of social support from family or friends, economic dependency, religious or cultural beliefs, and fear. Of all the aforementioned obstacles fear is the most common reason women choose to stay or return to violent relationships.

          In 1979, Lenore Walker, Ed.D., A.S.F.P., author of The Battered Woman, developed a theory concerning the progressive stages of domestic violence which she called the "Cycle of Violence". Dr. Walker identified three phases of this "cycle" which many couples with a history of violence follow. Unless there is a break in the cycle of violence, the three phases tend to repeat themselves steadily progressing in severity.

          In the "Tension Building" stage of the Cycle of Violence minor physical, verbal, or emotional incidents occur. The batterer continually instigates arguments about such matters as the children, pets, money or accusing the women of infidelity. The batterer becomes increasingly angry and irritable.

          In an effort to appease the him, she attempts to "keep the peace". The victim will do things to molify her partners such as altering her appearance, handing over her paycheck, performing demeaning sexual acts, and/or severing ties with close friends and relatives. She rationalizes the batterer's behavior frequently blaming herself for the abuse.

          Over time, the relationship is brought to a heightened state of stress by the batterer's constant berating of the woman. Despite the attempts of the woman to appease the abuser common incidents become conduits of contention, inevitably turning into phase II : The Acute Battering Phase.

          The tension built up in Phase I imminently approaches a climatic point known as the Acute Battering Phase or "Explosive Stage." In this second phase there is a major destructive act of physical violence against the woman. As a consequence, it is in this phase that the woman suffers the most serious physical injuries. This phase is shorter then the first and usually lasts form two to forty-eight hours.

          The attack can result in the physical, sexual and/or verbal attack of the woman or physical destruction of property. Unlike Phase I - where the batterer is aware of his conduct and justifies it - in Phase II the batterer is completely out of control. He frequently does not understand his anger. While the woman can recall the abusive incident in great detail, frequently the man cannot.

          After the incident the woman, completely traumatized, is left feeling helpless, humiliated, and angry. Often times, the abused woman becomes despondent and withdrawn. She may consciously or unconsciously believe that her behavior provoked the incident. She will often minimize the seriousness of her injuries to appease the aggressor and bring the Phase to an end. The batterer, having released his tension, becomes extremely calm.

          The honey moon stage is in a sense " the calm after the storm". The activities that occur in this phase quite frequently form the basis for the woman to decide not to leave the abusive relationship. The assailant expresses deep regret and promises never to repeat the abusive conduct. The woman, wanting to believe the batterer, accepts the batterer's apologies and expressions of romance and goodwill.

          The batterer apologizes and pleads with the woman not to leave. He renounces his actions vowing never to harm her again. If he abuses substances he may blame his behavior on drinking or his addiction, promising to "get clean."

          Consequently, the woman may perceive this as the assailant's attempt to change his behavior. She wants to believe that he will change. He may even agree to seek therapy. Nonetheless, without proper counseling from professionals trained to handle abusive relationships, the pattern will only continue. As the cycle continues it increases in severity. The Acute Batterering stage intensifies and can last for several hours or days. Eventually, after the cycle has been repeated several times, the honey moon phase is completely eliminated.

          To those unfamiliar with the complexity of intimate violence, the honey moon stage would seem the most ideal time for the victim to leave. However, there are usually several obstacles prohibiting a abused woman from leaving. Those obstacles include isolation and lack of social support, economic dependancy, religious / cultural beliefs, and fear.

Isolation/Lack of Social Support

          One of the major components of abuse is isolation. The batterer renders the abused woman more helpless by making efforts to undermine her support system of family, friends, co-workers and professionals who would otherwise help the victim to weather the crisis and possibly leave the relationship.

          In order to control their victims, abusers intentionally drive family and friends away. Sometimes this is accomplished through threats or physical attacks. Many batterers are extremely possessive and jealous, even of other family members. The rude and/or cruel behavior of the batterer coupled with the apparent approval of the victim quite often succeeds in keeping even the closest family members away. Generally, friends and family who believe the myths about batterering, unwittingly help keep abused women in dangerous situations.

          Abusers commonly force their to account for every minute of their time. They demand that their partner speak to no one, and enforce this by accusing them of infidelity. Once an abuser succeeds in severing family ties and friendships, the victim then becomes financially, emotionally and psychologically dependant on the abusive partner.

Economic Dependency

         The economic reality for women entering the workforce, particularly those with children, can be quite bleak. This is especially true for women who have not worked outside the home. Frequently, the abuser will not permit the woman to obtain gainful employment regardless of the dire financial condition of the family. On occasions when the victim is permitted to secure employment, the abuser controls the family finances by maintaining sole access to the family's banking and credit accounts.

          Economic dependence on the abuser is a very real reason for remaining in the relationship. Without employment or a credit history victims quite often cannot identify the resources required to leave the abusive relationship. Extreme reductions in welfare programs also hinder the victims ability to leave.

Religious and Cultural

          Religious beliefs reinforce the commitment to marriage. Many faiths hold that the husband is head of the family and it is a wife's duty to be submissive to him. Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs, rather than the goal of ending the violence. A victim with deep religious beliefs may find her faith creates insurmountable obstacles in her attempt to escape an abusive relationship.

Fear

          The number one reason for not leaving is fear. The basis for this fear is grounded in a severe reality. According to the FBI, up to 40% of female homicides in any given year occur when the woman decides to leave the abusive relationship. Moreover, the Department of Justice (DOJ) statistics indicate women who attempt to leave are 75% more likely to be murdered, than women who stay. An abuser views his partner's leaving as the ultimate form of betrayal; feeling thwarted, he then seeks to punish. Since violence and threats are tactics used by the batterer, the woman's leaving stymies his sense of power and control.

          As described above, there are many obstacles preventing a victim from leaving an abusive relationship. Consequently, it is very important to have the appropriate services available when a victim does summon up the courage to leave. Without strategic planning and legal intervention, leaving a violent relationship can be extremely dangerous. When a battered woman decides to leave, a "safety plan" should be in place. Avoiding separation violence requires the assistance of social services, individual support systems, law enforcement and Legal Services.

          Community Legal Aid Society, Inc. (CLASI) and Delaware Volunteer Legal Services (DVLS) help victims of domestic violence acquire the legal means to leave a relationship. The legal representation provided by the two agencies enables victims to obtain protection from abuse orders (PFA), to fight for custody of their children and to legally end a violent marital relationship. In addition, the agencies collaborate extensively with other Delaware agencies that provide the social services, individual support systems and law enforcement to make available the full range of services necessary for victims to obtain safety and avert separation violence.

          It is extremely important for society to remember that a woman who suffers from domestic violence is always a victim. In light of the violent behavior of the abuser and the significant obstacles presented, the victim of domestic violence should not be seen as contributing to her own difficulties when she fails to leave the relationship. Rather, support networks and services should be put in place to remove the obstacles and provide the victim with a clear path to safety.